There is nothing quite as horrible as the feeling that you are not going to be able to give your children what they want or need. The sensation that you have let them down and, in a way, failed them is something I find indescribable and utterly heartbreaking. As Christmas and the birth of my first child draws nearer and media formats are full of present-buying - whether its what your child MUST have this year (advertisements) or what others have bought their children (social media sites) - I am reminded constantly that my child is unlikely to ever have any of them in the foreseeable future and that is something that fills me with complete guilt and a sense of failure.
It isn't just the season, however, the whole concept of having a child in this day and age seems to be one that is routed on the need for material goods and objects that your child must own in order for you to be consider a good parent and less about the social, emotional, physical and environmental welfare of that child. Reading a status posted by a distant family member on Facebook based on the fact that she doesn't feel her children have enough for Christmas reminds me of earlier in my pregnancy when I first realised the extent my financial circumstances will have on what I can materialistically provide for the little life wiggling inside my swollen tummy as I write this. We are not completely poor so to speak, our child will have a roof over their head and food in their belly but when you start to buy the essentials for that little life and work out what you need, the cost of it all seems to become overwhelming.
When shopping earlier in the year (I can't remember if it was before my second scan and the heart scare we had or after) I decided to look for a snowsuit for baby (who is due late December) and at least have something that we have bought the little mite first hand. My sisters and I went into a big baby store (which isn't exactly famous for being cheap) in order to participate in our latest obsession (as any mother and mother-to-be will know) - baby browsing. There really is nothing quite like looking at little shoes and picturing putting them on the minature feet currently growing inside your swollen belly! However, on this occasion, my delight soon turned to an overwhelming sense of failure and grief that threatened a teary scene right there in the middle of the store. My baby would never wear these shoes. The perfectly set up nursery displays of matching furniture and bedding with all the matching room features would never belong to the little baby that was wiggling inside of me because there was no way in hell I would ever be able to afford it!
I think the feeling become almost too overwhelming to bare when we looked at snowsuits and I fell in love with this gorgeous white quilted snowsuit that looked so warm and cosy, I just had to have it for my little bump..well, until I looked at the price! £42 for something that would fit for three months!! There is no way I could justify spending that, even as a one-off 'we have to have something nice and new for baby from us'. I don't think I've ever been made to feel so poor and so insignificant in my entire life. I felt like I had already failed the baby who had done so well inside of me and in many ways I still do.
I keep trying to tell myself 'money isn't everything' and that our little one doesn't need to have the newest and latest of anything; to be perfectly honest, it won't realise or care. As long as he (or she) is warm, fed and clean what are they going to know! But when it feels like sites and such endorse this need to have everything new and absolutely everything of anything (because the canvas paintings that cost £50 for two and match the bedding you just spent £100 plus on are utterly essential in proving that you are a fit mother) it becomes so hard and you feel trapped in the guilt.
I do not regret falling pregnant when I did, I do not regret the man I chose, the money he makes or the way we are having to do the whole baby thing (most of it is secondhand from Facebook selling groups or has been given to us) but when you can count the items you have bought brand new for your baby on your hands it doesn't half make you feel like you are somehow failing them. I know our baby will be happy and loved and they will take pleasure in everything that we give them. My child will not be raised to look at things with a materialistic eye and they will be taught the value of gifts for what they represent, the thought and love that is behind them. I just wish that this would be made easier within society. I should not be condoned or viewed negatively because my child's toys might be secondhand and their clothes may be hand-me-downs and lack designer labels.
No parent should feel that the presents they put under the Christmas tree aren't enough, and they should never be made to feel bad about how much they spend in comparison to other parents. Why can't we be praised for the smile on our children's faces? The laughter from their mouths? And the utter joy and positive behaviour which they present in their daily lives? THESE are what make a parent a good parent; not the latest game station or a brand new Barbie house that cost £200 but a happy and loved child who knows that they are happy and loved.
